New Year’s resolutions: The 2024 I’d like to see for Trump, Musk, Swift and more | Opinion

Some New Year’s resolutions I’d like to see:

Donald Trump: Accept the results of this year’s election.

Elon Musk: Make it a week without retweeting antisemites or offending another $100 million worth of advertisers.

Birds: Learn to answer to our new politically correct names.

Kevin McCarthy: Find a job I can keep for more than a year.

Clarence Thomas: Pay for my own damn vacations.

First graders: Keep my hands and bullets to myself.

China: This time, use a stealth hot air balloon to spy on America.

Great Pacific Garbage Patch: Try identifying as an archipelago.

Mark Dickey: Stick to the tour at Carlsbad Caverns.

Frank Rubio: Go to Mars.

Tucker Carlson: Try not to cost my next employer (me!) $787,500,000.

Fireball Cinnamon: Just add whiskey.

The Titanic: Stop killing rich people.

Joe Biden: Tell Hunter to “just say no” to foreigners bearing gifts.

Kamala Harris: Next time my boss says I can be in charge of the border, take a sick day.

Chris Christie: Find something nice to say about Donald Trump.

Ron DeSantis: Find something bad to say about Donald Trump.

Nikki Haley: Send a thank-you note to the Koch network.

Gavin Newsom: Stop praying for something bad to happen to Joe Biden.

Vladimir Putin: Remember that invading countries led by comedians isn’t as funny as I thought.

South Park: This time, get the royals mad enough actually to sue us for defamation.

Sam Bankman-Fried: Just because other people’s money is imaginary, that doesn’t mean I can just take it.

Harvard: Quietly loosen up those plagiarism rules for the undergrads.

The Federal Reserve: Steady as she goes.

And …

Taylor Swift: Fall in love with an NFL player from a team that can go all the way.

This story was originally published December 28, 2023 at 10:48 AM with the headline "New Year’s resolutions: The 2024 I’d like to see for Trump, Musk, Swift and more | Opinion."