Why do domestic violence victims stay? We asked experts on the Coast.
“Why didn’t you leave?”
It’s a common question when victims of domestic violence tell their stories.
It’s also a question that Stacey Riley, CEO of the Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence, said doesn’t have a simple answer.
“Domestic violence is misunderstood,” Riley said. “If people don’t understand why batterers batter and why victims act the way they do, they’re going to develop judgments. We try to normalize that and to get rid of myths.”
The Sun Herald reached out to an expert and a survivor in the wake of a high-profile case that ended last week when a judge found state Rep. Douglas McLeod of George County not guilty of domestic violence against his wife.
Riley could not comment on the specifics of that case, but she has seen cases from across the Mississippi Coast, each one different. Since the center’s opening in 1977, more than 20,000 people have received services and shelter. The 24-hour crisis line gets more than 15,000 calls every year.
There isn’t a standard answer to why victims stay, but there are common threads that weave a bigger picture of how domestic violence can ‘trap’ someone from leaving.
“What we see the biggest thing that keeps people in these relationships is fear,” Riley said. “Fear of losing everything you have and your children. There’s fear of being humiliated or judged. The big thing is not realizing what you can do to get out of it.”
Christy Pickering knows that fear. She lived it for more than 20 years.
Pickering is a certified public accountant in Ocean Springs and has lived on the Coast since 1989.
She authored a book called “Courage” about what it took for her to leave her abusive husband of two decades, and what she learned about herself and abusive relationships. In 2015, she began speaking to college women with her message “Girl, you deserve better,” in hopes of helping others.
“All I wanted is to help one person,” Pickering said. “If I can do that, that means that doing this was worth it.”
‘They don’t start hitting you the first day’
“As I wrote and spoke to other women, I realized more and more about why I stayed,” Pickering said. “Abuse takes many forms. I was being abused early in my relationship.
“People don’t understand the progression, they don’t just start hitting you the first day.”
The slow progression of behavior can easily lead to victims feeling trapped and, in some cases, believing the abuse is their fault, Riley said. That’s especially true when victims have been in the relationship for a long time.
“It’s very subtle and gradual,” Riley said. “Abusers look for ways to control your life, whether it’s your friends, your work schedule, what you buy in a store — just controlling something. They’re very skilled at making someone feel like it’s their fault it happened. With constant blame and constant controlling behavior, it’s hard to think for yourself.
Pickering said when she began to pick up on what was happening in her marriage, it became worse. Her abuse went from mental and emotional to physical and psychological.
“He messed with my head,” Pickering said. “That’s how abusers work. They control you and hope it will work. When they realize you’re catching on, they change their tactics to keep in control.”
Focus on others
Riley said it’s not uncommon for victims to protect or defend their abusers and their relationship. Even in a bad situation, some will do what they can to make the relationship work or make their significant other happy.
“The victim loves their partner,” Riley said. “They’re trying everything they can to make the relationship work, to change what they think happened to them to be ‘looked down upon’ by their abuser. They focus on others and not themselves.”
Pickering said for her the ‘others’ were her children — two children that saw the abuse for years.
“I honestly got out just in time to where it didn’t affect how my children are now,” Pickering said. “People think they’re staying for the children, but it’s only making things worse.
“I thought my love would change him, but the abuser isn’t going to change. They don’t to change.”
‘He broke the vow first’
Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t just walking out the door. Riley said it can be overwhelming and terrifying.
“You first have to admit you’re being abused. That’s really hard … Having to disclose to people that they’ve been abused is difficult. Who do you tell? What do you do next?”
Leaving also means changes in routines, relationships and lifestyles. Riley said it can be difficult to leave if it means a lower financial status.
Pickering put on appearances for years before making the decision to leave, something she said her abuser wanted.
“I didn’t want anyone else to know I was suffering until I was ready to leave, I didn’t want to put them all through that until I could do it for myself,” Pickering said. “I didn’t want my clients, community and coworkers to think of me as weak. I kept it concealed. That’s what he wanted. The verbal and mental abuse is almost worst. There’s no scars to show.”
Those steps and lessons are what she’s now shared with hundreds of women.
She once believed she was trapped by a promise made at 22 years old — a promise her father and Christian family reminded her of — the day she got married.
She said she remembers when her father told her how important the vow was, a vow before her family and God. She thought about that for years before coming to a revelation.
“I thought, I can’t break this vow,” Pickering said. “I tried making it work. Years later, after all I went through, I realized he broke the vow first. He didn’t love honor and cherish me.
“When I speak to women who are in these situations I remind them that their partner also take a vow. If he breaks it first, you can get out.”
‘You can save someone’s life’
Domestic violence can be a difficult subject to discuss, but Riley said normalizing these conversations creates an easier path for victims to speak out.
“We need to take away focus from the victims and put it on the perpetrators,” Riley said. “Talking about domestic violence and sexual assault gives them a way to come out and get help, to not feel ashamed of what they’re dealing with.”
If you witness domestic violence or assault, call law enforcement immediately. The center encourages bystander intervention even if it’s calling 911.
If you have a friend or loved one in an abusive relationship, Pickering said it is important for those who care about the victim to be there when it counts.
“It is really hard for those who love people who are being abused,” Pickering said. “You can’t make someone leave. It’s hard not to leave them and become frustrated, but one day she’ll need you. Tell them what you see and just be there for them. If you are that kind of friend you can save someone’s life.”
This story was originally published August 27, 2019 at 5:00 AM.