Throwing Shade

Get that mayonnaise away from me: 3 things picky eaters on the Coast are tired of hearing

Bruce Marie, left, Sam Burke, center, and Sean Desporte plate boiled shrimp at the 33rd annual Biloxi Seafood Festival in 2014.
Bruce Marie, left, Sam Burke, center, and Sean Desporte plate boiled shrimp at the 33rd annual Biloxi Seafood Festival in 2014. Sun Herald file

When you live in a place surrounded by the water, Southern cooking and restaurants as far as the eye can see, it's challenging to be a picky eater.

From the shocking stares to the eye rolls to the "Oh, bless your heart" responses, those of us who barely eat anything feel the judgment, and we feel it hard.

Hopefully, I can speak for picky eaters throughout South Mississippi with this listicle of responses picky eaters are tired of hearing:

It must really stink to be from the Coast and be allergic to seafood.

Let me take a moment to set the record straight. Nine times out of 10, whoever told you they were allergic to seafood is lying. It's so much easier to "be allergic" than it is to listen to a 25-minute lecture about how preposterous it is to be from the Gulf Coast and not eat seafood. Some people just get irate. It's not that we're anti-seafood. Every seafood restaurant has a safe option like sandwiches and chicken tenders. It's just that seafood is a texture thing that some of us just can't get past.

How do you not eat mayonnaise?

The real question here is: How do you eat mayonnaise on EVERYTHING? Seriously, why does everyone slather greasy, smelly weirdness on top of everything. Sandwiches? Extra mayo. Chicken salad? Scratch the sour cream and add mayo. Pizza? You better have mayonnaise laced with seasoning and call it ranch to smother it in, or we're not eating it. At my family's homes, Blue Plate is the Bible. If it were up to me, I'd burn every jar of that white, slimy disgusting gunk at the stake. Picky eaters are loyal to their anti-mayonnaise stance. Potato salad? Nope. Shrimp salad? Nope. That delicious "yum yum" sauce at Hibachi restaurants? Get it away from me.

Lettuce is just like water. Why don't you like it?

Do you want to eat a liquid sandwich? The last time I checked, chewing water is really awkward. Why on earth would I want to bite into a sandwich and just experience a jolt of icy cold water while I'm trying to enjoy the bread, cheese and meat. No, there is no mayonnaise or mustard on this sandwich. I can eat leafy spinach all day, but iceberg lettuce has no nutritional value, and I prefer to drink my water.

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