I’m afraid Sen. Roger Wicker is gonna hurt himself.
I got another one of his emails — he does like to let you know what’s on his mind or what he’s up to. Friday, he was applauding. Again. As in:
“Wicker Applauds Strategic Investments in Mississippi Communities.”
Applause. It’s one of his favorite pastimes.
Earlier this month, “Wicker Applauds Mississippi Athletes Heading to Rio.”
In June, he applauded the passage of a chemical safety reform bill.
And that “USGBC decision to include U.S. forest products in LEED”? Applause in April.
He was caught on video applauding the Tupelo Madrigals & Vocal Jazz Chorus that same month.
The veterans bill received a round of applause in November.
Wicker, based on my rigorous research, has been applauding stuff since 2013. That’s when he was applauding a “court ruling against President Obama’s power grab.” Good thing he held his applause until the end of the power grabs.
I figured if I was going to good-naturedly suggest that perhaps the senator should discover a new verb before he develops carpal tunnel, I should have a photo of him applauding to go with it.
So I put the Google research team on the case and, wait a minute, you mean to tell me you can’t find a single photo of the applause-happy senator actually applauding? Don’t make me go to Yahoo.
Obviously, something is fishy. Plenty of Wicker photos. None with his hands anywhere near one another.
So spotting a freshly dug rabbit hole, I did the logical thing. I Googled Roger Wicker Birth Certificate.
And just as I suspected, according to further rigorous research (also known as clicking on the first birth certificate in the list), his name isn’t Roger Wicker at all. It’s James Edward Dove. And he’s from Kentucky. And he’s a mite older than he claims, too, since it says he was born in 1936.
Clearly, the mainstream media has dropped another ball.
Senator, senator. All this could easily have been avoided. Verbs matter.
I suggest the next time the senator feels like applauding some inanimate object, he sit on his hands and ballyhoo it.