Your Life

Monday, Nov. 09, 2009

Daughter worries over mom’s alcoholism

DEAR ANNIE: My parents had been married 25 years when my father died at age 45. With her world crashing down around her, Mom began drinking. Dad has been gone six years, and my mother has become an alcoholic.

Mom gets behind the wheel of her car and doesn’t remember things afterward. I’m scared she’ll hurt herself or someone else.

I know she is stronger than she is choosing to be, but how do I help her realize that? She reads your column, and I hope if you print this, she will recognize herself and know I love her and want to keep her around longer. — Worried Daughter in Fla.

DEAR WORRIED: Loving her is not enough. Alcoholism is a disease. Mom must want to stop and take the steps to do so. Contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at 1-800-4AL-ANON (1-800-425-2666) for support and information. More important, you need to notify the police she is driving drunk. It could save her life and the lives of innocent people on the road.

DEAR ANNIE: My friend “Lucy” was like a sister to me. She doesn’t drive, so I took her to all her appointments, doctors, shopping, etc. She hated bad weather, so when it rained I would sit with her. After her surgeries, I stayed overnight, helped her bathe and did her housework.

I let it pass when she complained about the way I hung the toilet paper and said I didn’t know how to properly fold a blanket. I have a chronic-pain illness, which Lucy has never acknowledged. Recently, she was angry when I went out with friends from my support group and accused me of not caring about her. I no longer feel welcome around her. How do I get over this? — Hurt and In Pain

DEAR HURT: Lucy is one of those people who thinks the world revolves around her. This makes her a selfish friend, but it doesn’t mean you can’t periodically enjoy her company. If you want the friendship, you have to understand its limitations. We think, however, you ought to make an effort to find friends who know how to reciprocate.

DEAR ANNIE: I do not agree with your advice to “Stewing in the West,” whose sister-in-law left money after a visit. She should not send the money back.

Years ago my father sent me a very generous Christmas check. I knew how limited his income was so I returned the check with a kind note. His feelings were hurt, and he returned it to me.

Who was I to tell him what he could or couldn’t do with his money? It’s rude to return a gift. “Stewing” should appreciate her generous sister-in-law and hope she comes to visit again soon. I learned just to say thank you graciously. — Been There

DEAR BEEN: There is a huge difference between parents giving their children money as a Christmas gift and guests leaving a “tip,” especially if it insults the hostess. But you are right that things that cannot be changed should be accepted graciously.

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar,are at Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.