Posted on Thu, May. 08, 2008

-- I had the pleasure of attending an open casting call last weekend for "International Lovers," an aspiring television show that was billed as the "latest addiction to reality TV."

Nearly 300 men and women auditioned for the show's 30 male roles and two female roles for producers, who plan to shoot a five-minute-long pilot to pitch to HBO and Showtime. The premise: Two sisters inherit a Miami Beach hotel. In order to keep the business afloat, they hire 30 men to seduce older, rich local women to get money to pay the bills. (They really should call this show "The Best Little Gigolo-House on South Beach.") Of course, men are not always that smooth, so the "sisters" (How is it a reality show if women are being cast as heiresses?) must teach them the means of seduction.

After spending two hours watching these tryouts at the Four Points Sheraton in Miami Beach, I was considering checking myself into rehab for being addicted to watching crap.

First off, here's a tip: When casting a show with the word "International" in the title, it would be helpful to be able to tell the difference between Peruvian and German men, and a Colombian woman and a Russian. In both cases, show staffers asked the Latin actors if they were European.

Some judges acted unprofessionally. The "American Idol" trio has more manners.

And oh, those lines. Each actor received a short script to memorize before being paired with a partner for a nightclub scene.

He: "Hello, my name is Fernando. I will be your humble servant for the evening."

She: "Wow, you're good."

He: "What would you like me to do?"

She: "What did you have in mind?"

He: "Look into my eyes."

End scene. (End my patience and scrap the show).

Are you serious? These lines were actually scripted? Time and again the men were told to act as if they were trying to pick up an attractive woman at a club. Earth to screenwriters: No one uses these lines.

One by one, these guys had trouble with the scene. It's challenging enough to approach a woman in a social setting, but to do so with these awful lines and in a hotel conference room with no music or drinks to get you in the mood was ridiculous.

Some guys had their hands in their pockets. Others whispered and had to do the scene again. Not many smiled, opting for a seriously seductive look on their faces that could have been mistaken for constipation. Some appeared nervous and were monotone.

One actor kept bombing, forgetting all three lines. He had to do a handstand with a slight twist to get loose and complete the scene. (I think I saw him at the Calle Ocho festival - wasted and missing a sandal.)

When the guys left the room the judges' comments included: "Too much like the Terminator," "Flat," "Bad Teeth" and "Cheesy."

Those are probably the same words women would use to describe men who approached them with those lines. And it's probably how viewers will describe the show if it ever makes it on the small screen.

Later, I decided to try out the lines on CoolGirl. "Let me be your humble servant," I said. After I folded her laundry, we headed out to dinner.

Contact Fred Gonzalez at fgonzalez@MiamiHerald.com.