Posted on Wed, Feb. 13, 2008

-- Advice Diva: From a woman's perspective, what do you think women truly want/expect on Valentine's Day?

Margo Howard: There has to be some sentiment, some remembrance of the day, otherwise you just feel like, ``Hell, I wanna kill him.''

AD: How do you let your guy know that this sentiment should contain a minimum of five carats? Just kidding. Sort of.

MH: The wives or the girlfriends always deal with this in a number of ways. There was a watch I wanted, and so I just left multiple newspaper clippings and photos of it on my husband's office computer. I mean, that wasn't for Valentine's Day, but there are ways that you can make it known that there is something you want.

AD: And I assumed it worked?

MH: It did, my dear.

AD: Is there such a thing as ''too big'' or ''too expensive?'' Should the size of the size increase with the years?

MH: I would look at it the other way. The fabulous gifts should come early in a relationship. I'm an old bag and wouldn't want him to do anything major. In the beginning, it should be modest unless he is trying to make a huge overstatement.

AD: I once had a boyfriend give me a feather hair comb. We are no longer together.

MH: The serious gifts need to come when the relationship is serious. Something like jewelry.

AD: Now we're talking. But what about the man who gives you tiny jewelry, like a necklace best suited for a 10-year-old girl, and you'd rather get something bolder, more grown-up, but still fabulous? It doesn't even have to be super-expensive.

MH: There are two ways of thinking. There is the classical approach, where you NEVER not like a gift, because that'll turn the guy off. I don't go along with that. A while back I received a letter from a woman who did not care for her engagement ring. She didn't say anything at the time, which I felt was correct, but a year and a half into the relationship you are allowed to say, ''Hey honey, I found a gorgeous setting, something that will really show off this stone.'' I think there are ways to do it without cutting the guy off at the knees. There is no reason to be stuck with something awful.

AD: I agree with you. I think it is always good to be grateful up front, and then exchange it later if you really hate it. I'm fortunate, though, because my finance has flawless taste. I've even grown to love things he has chosen that I wasn't flipping out over initially. It has to do with the love behind the gift. My gosh, do I sound sappy?

MH: A lot of men know that they are not good gift givers, as well.

AD: Is proposing on Valentine's Day a good idea?

MH: It's sort of common, not stylish, and predictable. I'm sure it would work for a lot of people, and if a woman is being proposed to and it's the right guy, the day does not matter.

AD: This is true. What are the off-limits gifts?

MH: There was this long-married couple that I used to be in-laws with, and on Valentine's Day he gave her a galvanized garbage can.

AD: As a joke?

MH: No! It was just for practicalities.

AD: And the aftermath? She didn't get a make-up gift?

MH: I don't think there was any, but I have been away from the family for quite some time.

AD: Your husband, a cardiac surgeon, clearly knows the way to your heart. As husband No. 4, what does he do better than the rest?

MH: Well, when you've had previous marriages, if you don't know when you meet the right one, there is something brain-dead up there. It has to do with putting together all of your lessons and for me, at least, it's very visceral. Even with friends, you are either attracted to people immediately, repelled, or indifferent.

AD: Let's talk about some other Valentine's Day taboos.

MH: I got a letter from an engaged woman, they went to her fiance's club for dinner, and his ex-wife showed up and just stood there, and he never made a move to have her removed from the club. That was the end of their romance.

AD: I'd say. And there should be no talk of any exes, let alone having the ex there.

MH: Exactly. It is a day for two lovers, not three.

AD: Do you think most men expect a gift in return?

MH: I hope so! I'll give my husband presents, and just not on Valentine's Day. I have girlfriends who send other girlfriends Valentine's cards. I think it's just a grade school thing that happened to make its way to the mainstream.

AD: It was always my favorite holiday when I was a child, and still is. I loved making the decorated box for the valentines in grade school, and once used real lace trim. My parents always did the Valentine thing, too.

MH: My mother would always give us a check of money and say, ''This is a gift I made myself.'' She was always very apprehensive about giving gifts. I have no idea why. Maybe she felt that she could never figure out what was a good gift.

AD: Your mom, of all people! She always had the best answers for everything. I have a wonderful vintage book she wrote, called Ann Landers A to Z.

MH: That was her encyclopedia.

AD: What will you and your husband do for Valentine's Day?

MH: This year is going to be novelty night. I am going to make a casserole and we are staying in. It's quite rare when I cook. I've lived through a lot of Valentine's Days. My husband always shows up with flowers, and I almost wish he wouldn't. It's very costly. I do, however, always write him a love note. I think the trick is just to be sentimental and say you are my valentine and say, ``I am happy to be with you, on Valentine's Day and all the other days.''