Newlywed upset by unannounced visits

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DEAR ANNIE: I have been married to a wonderful man for less than a year. The problem is, my mother-in-law is driving me crazy. She is a lovely person, but has developed the habit of showing up without calling.

We have been in our new home for three months. During this time, Mom has visited six times. Two of those were when we invited her for dinner, but the other four were unexpected drop-ins. It’s not like we don’t see her. We go out to dinner with her once a month, and she has lunch with my husband once a week.

After a phone message saying she was “in the neighborhood,” my husband called her to say we were working on a large project and it was not a good time. She left a half-dozen messages saying she is not wanted. She then showed up the next day unannounced.

My father-in-law passed away a year ago. I know Mom is lonely, though she won’t admit it. Her constant intrusions are making me dislike her, and this causes her son heartache. I’ve suggested that when she shows up unannounced, we grab the keys and tell her we are on our way out. Otherwise, I’m ready to sell this place and move far away. Any suggestions? — Miserable in Missouri

DEAR MISERABLE: Mom shouldn’t be coming by unexpectedly. It is your husband’s job to tell her that the two of you are still newlyweds and she absolutely must ask before assuming she is welcome. Then help her get involved in other activities.

DEAR ANNIE: I am a 61-year-old male. My wife and I have been friends with “Joe and Meg” for 30 years. We see them infrequently, since they live out of state. When we saw them last month, it was immediately apparent that Meg had received breast enhancement surgery. It was impossible not to notice.

While talking about everything new in our lives, including medical problems, I thought Meg or Joe would make some reference to her breasts. When they didn’t, I complimented her on improvements made at “second base.” She wrinkled her brow, looked away and mumbled something under her breath.

If I hadn’t known her so well, I would have said nothing, but she is a nurse and open-minded. Should I have kept my mouth shut? — Perplexed in Kansas

DEAR PERPLEXED: Breast enhancements, face lifts, nose jobs and other efforts to look “new and improved,” no matter how obvious, should not be mentioned unless the person brings it up. It is akin to remarking on someone’s weight gain and is considered rude. Now you know.

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column, write Annie’s Mailbox. Write to them at: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.